Sometimes I have these days when I am truely not sure what to do with myself... I mean I am able to get out and do things... but realy dont enjoy life as much as I probly should. I wonder to myself what there is out there for me and I get so locked up in my decision making it gets annoying... I realy want to be able to find that one thing for me again. I love my video games but I know there is more to me than just that. I love to be creative, but I rarely sit down and write. I love to get outside and enjoy the outdoors, but I am never in the mood to go exploring or camping anymore. I guess I just need to find a reason to get out of this rut I have been in. I wonder how other people find so much energy when they have so much on their plate.

I sit here debating how to go about finding something for me and no answers aproach the actual reality I am confronted with. Im not getting any younger and I am not any closer to anything that I want from life. No one to motivate me and nothing to look forward to. Sad realy, I know I am smart and I know I am capable of alot... but I cant find the strength anymore... I dont know where my time is going and I dont understand why it is like this lol.

I wonder if I realy do need some form of pill to ease the burden of my depression or another outlet for my frustration other than a TV or a computer... but making myself get out and find that something is not an easy thing for me to accomplish.

I dont even know if this is realy my problem... I am bored all the time, be it by my own demise or some chemical imballance in my own head or a mixed complicated pathway from my past to my present. I know I am lazy... sure I enjoy my relaxation... but I want more from life and I want more from myself. I just dont know how to get to that point... Some days I wonder if I am just conspiring against my self and not allowing me to succeed.